I haven’t really been around much (been reading a bit when I have time but that’s it). In two weeks I leave to travel for 6 months and I am not going to have the time or the inclination to keep up a Tumblr while I’m gone. I’m looking forward to being away from technology. I am still doing okay food-wise, not been eating truly Paleo for various reasons but mainly because it won’t be practical or enjoyable to force myself to stick to it in other countries. I had hoped that the disordered thoughts and body image issues would have faded by now but sadly that’s not been the case. Trusting that it will improve given more time.
So, I’ll be on sporadically until I fly out to Nepal next month, and then…not. Tumblr has been a great support network for me (ignoring the fact that I first wandered onto here with an unhealthy mindset and looking at thinspo etc) and I want to extend my thanks to everyone who has taken time to help me begin the path to overcoming disordered eating habits and everyone whose personal journey has inspired me (and that’s a lot of you!).
- Last night, I went out for a meal with my boyfriend to celebrate his final day of work before travel; we went to a world food buffet and I ate SO MUCH and it was delicious and I refuse to feel shame for how much food I have the capacity to fit inside me when I decide to go for it. I had amazing sushi and teppanyaki (squid and scallops) and sashimi and duck pancakes and TWO PLATES of desserts.
- I must have eaten about 1.5 times as much as my boyfriend.
- I am back to respecting hunger signals today and so far, I haven’t wanted anything (not a surprise but was considering baking a treat or something today and if I do that and eat it when I’m not hungry I just know I’ll feel guilty and like I need to compensate and part of me is concerned that the desire to bake comes from wanting to extend the “eating for pleasure”).
- I’m so conflicted. Of course, I enjoyed last night and I don’t regret it, but I still fear weight gain? I can just about cope with where I am now, but if I gain ANY more then it would get harder to accept.
- I’ve had some pain again after my 6 mile run; last night I thought it had faded but later realised that taking ibuprofen for period pain had masked the leg pain, too. So no long run today, or until the leg gets better (meaning no pain whatsoever).
I am fretting over the thought that it might be something serious like a stress fracture because it’s been a recurring issue for a month now but I CANNOT AFFORD to see someone about it
- I took yesterday as a rest day because I wanted to run today but now I am not sure what I want to do (yoga or swimming or cycling?) and I need another cup of tea before I move.
- Didn’t sleep well last night (or rather, it took hours and hours for me to be able to fall asleep because thoughts were just swirling around in my head about how much I need to organise before 6 months of travel).
- I have struggled with a high level of stress and anxiety today, but I dealt with it (crying is part of dealing with it and needed to happen before I could move on to ACTUALLY sorting it out) and didn’t resort to poor coping strategies. NO COMFORT EATING.
- I am excited about buying new walking boots soon.
- I have so many apples in the house but all I want is pears?
- I have NEVER believed that exercise could help with period pain BUT I have realised that, despite having awful cramps yesterday and today, I have been fine since my run.
- I ate rice today for lunch and nothing bad happened and it seems to be okay in my digestive system as far as I can tell. I also enjoyed it more than I thought I would (it was butternut squash and parmesan rice). GOOD because I am going to be eating rice twice daily when I’m in Nepal.
- I was pleased (and surprised to be pleased) to find that one of my favourite dresses fits me again now that I am a healthy weight. I’m sorting out my clothes and getting rid of those that don’t fit.
Because I’m in a much better place today, and I think noting down some thoughts/observations is a useful tool to keep it that way. I wish I could wake up every day and not feel discontent with how I look.
- I am STILL in a near-constant state of surprise over how much food I actually need, and how much less I used to allow myself to have. I wish that it didn’t make me anxious because sometimes it makes me feel as though I should drop back and restrict again.
- I hate feeling as though I need the security blanket of unanswered hunger to be okay with my eating.
- So proud that despite restricting for the past two days, I faced up to it and halted that behaviour before it got too bad.
- I ate 200g of chocolate (WHITE chocolate) last night, and although I also purchased some rum and raisin ice-cream I realised I was both full and satisfied and so I didn’t even open it. This is UNHEARD of. I also don’t feel as though I overate.
- I’m hoping to try and increase the amount of carbohydrates I get from whole foods. I lose weight low-carb but that’s not my aim at the moment; I exercise for around 60 minutes each day with a focus on running/endurance and LCHF is just NOT sustainable for me (some people do well on it, but there’s no reason for me to avoid food like sweet potatoes or even quinoa or rice). I am going to have to actively CHOOSE those foods, because I lean towards low-carb now even though I’m not aiming for >50g.
- I’m pretty sure that if I get enough good carbohydrates into my diet, then the craving for sugar-laden junk is going to diminish and that wanting chocolate is mostly my body asking for more carbs to fuel performance.
- The most important thing for me is HUNGER SIGNALS. To eat when I am hungry and not (regularly) eat past satiation. (I’m making exceptions for meals out, special occasions, needing a tub of ice-cream for reasons other than hunger, etc!) I’ve seen so much improvement in trusting my body, I need to keep it up.
- I think I have made my peace with being a slower runner now. I am not “worse” or less of a runner because I haven’t gone over 10 miles for near to a month or because I don’t get the distance done as fast. I need to stop looking back (and not just because I was far from in good health then).
- I WISH MY PERIOD WOULD HURRY UP AND ARRIVE.
SORRY for the length.